1999 Darwin Award Winners,英语篇笑话大全

ForthoseshelteredfewofyouwhoarenotfullyawareoftheDarwinAwards.Theseawardsaregivenannuallytothoseindividualswhodidthemostforthehumangenepoolbyremovingthemselvesfromit., "DarwinAwardwinnerseliminatethemselvesinanextraordinarilyidioticmanner,therebyimprovingourspecieschancesoflong-termsurvival.", DARWINAWARDRUNNERS-UP:, "#1-LOSANGELES,CA.AniSaduki,33,andhisbrotherdecidedtoremoveabeesnestfromashedontheirpropertywiththeaidofapineapple.Apineappleisanillegalfirecrackerwhichistheexplosiveequivalentofone-halfstickofdynamite.Theyignitedthefuseandretreatedtowatchfrominsidetheirhome,behindawindowsome10feetawayfromthehive/shed.Theconcussionoftheexplosionshatteredthewindowinwards,seriouslylaceratingAni.DecidingMr.Sadukineededstitches,thebrothersheadedouttogotoanearbyhospital.Whilewalkingtowardstheircar,Aniwasstungthreetimesbythesurvivingbees.Unbeknownsttoeitherbrother,Aniwasallergictobeevenom,anddiedofsuffocationen-routetothehospital.", "#2-DerrickL.Richards,28,waschargedinAprilinMinneapoliswiththird-degreemurderinthedeathofhisbelovedcousin,KennethE.Richards.Accordingtopolice,DerricksuggestedagameofRussianrouletteandputasemiautomaticpistol(insteadofthemoretraditionalrevolver)toKensheadandfired.", #3-PHILLIPSBURG,NJ.Anunidentified29yearoldmalechokedtodeathonasequinedpantieshehadorallyremovedfromanexoticdanceratalocalestablishment."Ididn\tthinkhewasgoingtoeatit,"thedanceridentifiedonlyas"Ginger"said,adding"Hewasreallydrunk.", #4-(16April1999,WashingtonD.C.)Wecanthankourluckystarsthattherearetwofewerparamedicsaround.CarolandMarkwerefounddeadintheirsuburbanhomebyMark\s14-year-oldson.Thecouplewerewearingrespiratorymasksattachedtoanemptycanisterofnitrousoxide.Nitrousoxide,commonlyknownaslaughinggas,producesashort-livedhigh,andisoftenusedasarelaxantindentalofficesandoutpatientclinics.Likeeveryotherpuregas,itmustbemixedwithairoroxygen,lestitcausesuffocation.Needlesstosay,CarolandMarkdidnotmixthenitrousoxidewithair.WhatmakesthisstoryatrueDarwinAwardcandidateisthatbothofthedeceasedhadenoughmedicaltrainingtohaveknownbetter.Markwasa10-yearveteranparamedicwiththeDistrictofColumbiaFireDepartment.Carolwasstudyingtobecomeanemergencymedicaltechnicianinasuburbanfiredepartment.EvenmoreamusingisaquotefromtheWashingtonD.C.FireDepartment\spublicinformationofficer,whosaidthatMarkwas"oneofthemosteducatedandhighlytrainedpeoplewehad."ThatmustalleviatetheconcernsofthousandsofD.C.residents!, "#5-MOSCOW,Russia.AdrunksecuritymanaskedacolleagueattheMoscowbanktheywereguardingtostabhisbulletproofvesttoseeifitwouldprotecthimagainstaknifeattack.Itdidnt,andthe25-year-oldguarddiedofaheartwound.(ItsgoodtoseetheRussiansgettingintothespiritoftheDarwinAwards.)", #6-InFRANCE,JacquesLeFevrierleftnothingtochancewhenhedecidedtocommitsuicide.Hestoodatthetopofatallcliffandtiedanoosearoundhisneck.Hetiedtheotherendoftheropetoalargerock.Hedranksomepoisonandsetfiretohisclothes.Heeventriedtoshoothimselfatthelastmoment.Hejumpedandfiredthepistol.hebulletmissedhimcompletelyandcutthroughtheropeabovehim.Freeofthethreatofhanging,heplungedintothesea.Thesuddendunkingextinguishedtheflamesandmadehimvomitthepoison.Hewasdraggedoutofthewaterbyakindfishermanandwastakentoahospital,wherehediedofhypothermia., "#7-RENTON,WASHINGTON,USA.ARenton,Washingtonmantriedtocommitarobbery.Thiswasprobablyhisfirstattempt,assuggestedbythefactthathehadnopreviousrecordofviolentcrime,andbyhisterminallystupidchoicesaslistedbelow:1.ThetargetwasH&JLeather&Firearms...agunshop.2.Theshopwasfullofcustomers,inastatewhereasubstantialportionoftheadultpopulationislicensedtocarryconcealedhandgunsinpublicplaces.3.Toentertheshop,hehadtosteparoundamarkedPolicepatrolcarparkedatthefrontdoor.4.Anofficerinuniformwasstandingnexttothecounter,havingcoffeebeforereportingtoduty.Uponseeingtheofficer,thewould-berobberannouncedaholdupandfiredafewwildshots.Theofficerandaclerkpromptlyreturnedfire,removinghimfromthegenepool.Severalothercustomersalsodrewtheirguns,butdidntfire.Nooneelsewashurt.", ANDTHE1999DARWINAWARDWINNERIS....., "THOMPSON,MANITOBA,CANADA.TelephonerelaycompanynightwatchmanEdwardBaker,31,waskilledearlyChristmasmorningbyexcessivemicrowaveradiationexposure.Hewasapparentlyattemptingtokeepwarmnexttoatelecommunicationsfeed-horn.Bakerhadbeensuspendedonasafetyviolationoncelastyear,accordingtoNorthernManitobaSignalRelayspokespersonTanyaCooke.ShenotedthatBakersearlierinfractionwasfordefeatingasafetyshut-offswitchandenteringarestrictedmaintenancecatwalkinordertostandinfrontofthemicrowavedish.Hehadtoldcoworkersthatitwastheonlywayhecouldstaywarmduringhistwelve-hourshiftatthestation,wherewintertemperaturesoftendiptofortybelowzero.Microwavescanheatwatermoleculeswithinhumantissueinthesamewaythattheyheatfoodinmicrowaveovens.ForhisChristmasshift,Bakerreportedlybroughtatwelvepackofbeerandaplasticlawnchair,whichhepositioneddirectlyinlinewiththestrongestmicrowavebeam.Bakerhadnotbeentoldaboutatenfoldboostinmicrowavepowerplannedthatnighttohandletheanticipatedincreaseinholidaylong-distancecallingtraffic.Bakersbodywasdiscoveredbythedaytimewatchman,JohnBurns,whowasgreetedbyanodorhemistookforaChristmasroasthethoughtBakermusthavepreparedasasurprise.BurnsalsoreportedtoNMSRcompanyofficialsthatBakersunfinishedbeershadexploded."

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